If you’ve visited AussieRulesBlog before, you’ll probably have an inkling what’s to come. If not, strap yourself in!

January

A quiet month contemplating whether Brendon Goddard could make an impact.

February

The Federal Sports Minister and sundry hangers on make the biggest, most over-hyped announcement since God’s dog was a puppy — the “blackest day” in Australian sport.The Bombers make a shock announcement. They’ve been using supplements. They are pretty sure they’re on the side of the angels, but not 100%. They call in the AFL and ASADA. Instant media speculation has James Hird, David Evans and Ian Robson spotted supping with Satan and drinking the warm, fresh blood of new-borns.

March

Football media do a convincing impersonation of Salem witch trial-style frenzy

April

Fevered media speculation and demands from some “journalists” that the three key Bombers stand down apparently influences the AFL’s Chief Executive to muse about Essendon’s coach standing down. The Essendon players rally to win unexpectedly against the eventual Grand Finalist Dockers and proceed to show their utter disdain and hatred for their coach in the after-game celebrations.

Against the odds, the Bombers continue to win. The Australian Colander League — sorry, that possibly should have been Football — begin an attempt on the Guinness Book of Records title as the worst plumber in the world. Certain “journalists” sell what’s left of their souls.

May

Quite a lot like April.

June

Different day, same hyperbole and speculative nonsense.

July

Yep. More. Getting boring now. Bombers start playing shit football.

August

The Australian Colander League decide to impose draconian penalties based on an interim report. The Bombers are placed in the stocks in the public square and other clubs and their supporters invited to find anything rotten to throw at them. The Bomber players rally in a game against the second-most-hated enemy, mere days before being told they will not play finals, and win one of their most famous victories. In the after-game celebrations the players again show their utter hatred for their coach, who has allegedly used them as science experiments.

September

Hollow feeling. The Hawks, darlings of the syringe set only twelve months previously, take out the big dance.

October

Media report suggests a mass exodus of players from Windy Hill. Disturbing reports each week of more Bomber players signing new contracts.

Australian Colander League informs club medical officers that a dozen clubs had supplement programs, didn’t know enough about what the supplements were, didn’t properly record administration of the supplements and didn’t properly guard against employing shonky chemists BUT had NOT brought the game into disrepute.

Australian Colander League sets new record by pre-releasing the 2014 fixture on a one round per day basis.

Not quite as expected, mass exodus from Windy Hill occurs as Bombers more to new training and administration base at Tullamarine.

Yeah. Bonza year.

Footnote: Who would have thought that Caaaarlton would be the second most-hated enemy. Probably not the warrior priestess for truth and the Australian Colander League way. What? Us, bitter? Not half!!!!

We confess we’re surprised that the 2013 AFL Trade period has seemed, from our vantage point at least, a much more human and player-friendly space than prior years.

Players who wanted to move seem to have been able to engineer changes. Clubs who wanted to move on players seem to have been able to do so. Only the McEvoy–Savage trade seemed to be a surprise.

AussieRulesBlog wasn’t a fan of the free agency process initially, but we think we need to adjust our thinking.

The Chinese Water Torture that is the release of the 2014 AFL fixture continues at snail’s pace.

We’re all big kids now. We can take it, shocks and all . . .

It’s not the greatest look when details of the upcoming 2014 AFL fixture are leaked in dribs and drabs and appear under certain “journalist’s” by-lines.

Just release the damned thing. We don’t have to be softened up for every announcement.

So, twelve AFL clubs conducted supplement programs AND lacked appropriate governance procedures AND could not adequately define the supplements involved AND had flawed selection processes for support personnel.

We assume that this means the 2014 AFL Final Series will commence in March with six or seven teams competing, because surely at least eleven of these twelve clubs — we’re not told whether Essendon is one of the twelve — will be ruled out of the 2014 Final Series and the first two rounds of the 2015 National Draft.

And while we’re at it, where’s the self-appointed warrior priestess for truth, Caroline Wilson? Why isn’t her byline on this report? Why isn’t she calling for the heads of the twelve coaches, twelve Presidents and twelve CEOs?

The Chief Executive of the AFL and the Chairman of the AFL Commission must surely be considering standing down for their failure to foresee these problems and ensure proper governance procedures were in place.

Surely?

Really looking forward to the karma bus pulling up at AFL Headquarters.

Un-bleeping-believable.